Last New Year’s Eve,
I spent it all alone.
I’ve been going through a divorce since spring of 2013 when my partner & I finally decided to end our relationship. The heartbreak & hurt is difficult to explain but it’s been the hardest & most painful experience I’ve ever been through.
While I was still in love, he had not been for some time, it was already over before it was over. While reading this list one must take into account the level of disfunction I was existing within. I was so devastated, I often found myself debilitated & incapable of simple tasks. Grief is a seriously powerful experience.
While odd & vaguely sad at first to be spending my Christmas & New Year’s Eve so far away from the ones I love & alone, I found many ways to enjoy my own company. In fact it’s terribly important now, I must be alone each day at least a short while.
Here is the list I wrote last year.
“Fifty things I want to do differently, to be different, goals to achieve, changes to make, things to work towards, paradigm shifts to make, shifts to take part of, moments to look forward to, life to live and items to refer to while reflecting on what I want for the next year. 2014 let’s do it.”
1. WATCH LESS TV/MOVIES ETC.
2. Waste less time. Time is all you are rich in, use it and enjoy your time I’m this earth.
3. Eat better. More often, less binging.
4. Get up everyday with intention.
5. Quit punishing yourself.
6. Take more consistent care if your skin.
7. Get rid of some clothes. Don’t replace them.
8. Brush teeth everyday. EVERYDAY.
9. Leave your hair alone. Stop Worrying.
10. If you’re feeling anxious, just relax & allow yourself to feel anxious without worry.
11. Exercise. Everyday. In some way.
12. Work on your spelling & grammar.
13. Draw up plans for Tiny House.
14. Get serious about Tiny house building research.
15. Shop around for trailers for house.
16. READ MORE! READ A LOT!
17. Write more often.
18. Illustrate poems & written pieces. Graphic Novel?
19. Make something everyday. Anything. Everyday.
20. If there is sun, sit in it. Even for just a few minutes.
21. Wrote letters often, even if they probably won’t write back. Do it for your connection needs.
22. Travel A LOT, but not at the cost of your well being.
23. Travel after Flight benefits are gone.
*my ex worked for an airline
24. Love openly and fiercely.
25. If you’re feeling lost, empty and useless MAKE ART even if there’s no idea first. Scribble, doodle, make.
26. Smoke less pot. Seriously, I know it’s wonderful and mood stabilizing and helpful but cut down a bit.
27. Get at least two professional tattoos that excite you.
28. Don’t spend energy on anyone who doesn’t respect you.
29. MAKE MUSIC. I don’t care how. Just do it.
30. Remember that you are loved and cared about even if you haven’t been reminded in a while.
31. Decide that you are no longer lazy and then stop being lazy. It’s that easy.
32. Save the tobacco for rare moments and sacred times. That’s what it’s for.
33. STOP doubting yourself. Insecurity and vulnerability is okay but you are awesome. Don’t doubt it.
34. Stop and appreciate the little things. Beautiful moments.
35. LOVE YOURSELF. It’s okay (more the okay) to be -in love- with yourself.
36. Go slowly, but start making creatures and start making short, stop motion videos.
37. Break through your own limiting barriers and preconceived notions about yourself.
38. Learn & attempt to use new words. Ex. Metanoia
39. Don’t put things off. Especially inevitable things like dishes/cleaning etc, but also projects, confrontation & communication.
40. Journal more. I know there’s a lot going on right now and it can be difficult to get it all clear and straight, so write bits & pieces but make sure and write.
41. Be more open to experiences and opportunities.
42. Learn to meditate. Even if it’s simple, come up with a method of meditation to make processing and learning and thinking clearer. Also, another application: Relax.
43. Research eye health. Do eye exercises. Take very good care of your peepers.
44. Dance more often! As often as possible. Without worry. Just dance.
45. Trust your guts and intuition more. If not more, closer.
46. Embrace the weird and unusual. Let the magic come, create it and allow it.
47. Stop thinking about dying. Or not living. Or however clever of a thing you want to call it. Let it go. You love life & living and the darkness and desperation is all a part of that. Enjoy the ocean, enjoy the fears, enjoy the moments because it will definitely end. Be, live and enjoy.
48. Have an affair. Don’t force it but have a fling, love and be loved and letitend.
49. Call people. Don’t text/email/Facebook. Call people even if they never answer or respond.
50. Put yourself to sleep. Don’t wait until you’re exhausted or distract yourself until you fall asleep. Just go to sleep.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS
With effort & patience
I’m finding that things are only getting better.
Never stop trying.
Never stop wanting & dreaming.