quandary

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In the sea, waves lapping at my face,
before, just a lake
How I’ve needed more room
to swim
Endlessly
Filling out formulating frequenting concepts
Fitting Sea
of ambiguity
If not now an ocean
Much to do with new
Far greater
Expansive eloquent elevations
Internal relative inspections
Sea to ocean to space
Unedited
Perhaps to never find the
Edges
Never to stop seeking

Before Need

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The wheels they turn as fast 

The engine it hums

We are preverbaly filled with 

Small moving parts

Falling igniting sliding breathing flowing pushing gliding grinding greasing 

They flew 

holding on 

such a sensation of fragility 

Hips lips 

Those incredibly tiny hairs across your back 

so delicate 

I used my nose to take stock of their presence & texture 

A sensation of fragility 

Smelling bright & soft

Ground ward 

Let go

Deconstruct 

Informality                  Dance

This flutter 

It grows for you 

your hands are so               Beautiful 

Our parallels run with grand awe 

A joyful unexplainable ease 

A symbol of crossing movement 

Adore 

Andys

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After dropping off my favorite sister person, dreaded herself and tousled locked her boy friend, the first of two round trips to airports today. I found myself half awake, early morning baked, shaking slightly, sun hardly up, wandering the city. The logical conclusion was to be eating and enjoying my favorite meal, breakfasting. Breaking fasting from last nights favorite snack entitled a Thursday, that I ate last night while starring into corners of the room. The only place I ever could’ve gone to pops into my head like a catchy old song. Taking deep breaths of the foggy cool morning air, I parked and head feeling like a out of tune piano, I walked into a 24hr diner in the Castro. Eating here every so often since I was tiny, I sat confidently and comfortably at the counter. A particularly sweet human, grey beard and a soft smile, came and inquired about my needs. “Hot black tea chicken apple sausage eggs over easy potatoes no toast” I told him, as if it were a single item, seamless. After the order was put in, some settling and silence had occurred he then paused and said “You’re getting ready to be a crazy old lady one day, aren’t you?” Equally amusing, surprising, startling and prophetic. “Yes. Yes, I am” I said with only a momentary sleepy delay, then generating a warm real smile. Some truths are evident only with new surroundings, some truths can only be noticed by strangers. When my food arrived I asked for the necessary Dijon mustard companion to my eggs and sausage. I ate quietly while enjoying overhearing conversations and lives being lived. A favorite pastime of mine is listening to even the everyday moments tapping away. It was within this rhythm that a family came in, a distracted yet quiet young boy in tow, clearly on a type of stay away. This table, once decided on their respective appetites, informed the same sweet human, who dropped into my knowing talented observations earlier, that the young boy is turning 5ive years old tomorrow. The adults brayed and clapped, the child looked taller and shyer at the same time. Over whelmed a bit but enjoying the attention, he smiled before shirking away into his mothers side. His excitement was met with chocolate chip pancakes, a scoop of ice cream, an interesting version of the American Happy Birthday song I’ve never heard played over the kitchen speakers. We, small in audience yet large in vibes, all patrons of said diner, sang happy birthday together. I looked up from my food and frantic journal additions to see behind me smiling glowing fresh morning faces, a deeply happy kid soon to be uncomfortably full of celebratory pancakes and before me red tulips in a slender yellow vase. Beyond the flowers two sets of red lips were set as decor on the wall, which I found subtle and delightful, matching the to the word play in my head. Two lips, tulips. The classic rectangular wall mirror reflected a scene in a play already started, common beautiful moments such as these remembered. Waiting for the bill my heart pounded. Even though I always act with courage, my body still shakes, for why, I’m actually quite shy. My chest danced as I drew a butterfly resting on a heart in a round jar my dear comrade drew and then wrote “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SF 2016” on the front. On the back I added “Happy Birthday! p.s. It’s my birthday too😉 Your Truly, the lady with the big hat at Orphan Andy’s”. On my way out I stopped and asked the sweet human to “please give this to the boy when I leave.” We paused for a moment, my hand so lightly touching his shoulder it was like a physical whisper, we just looked and smiled such love. Tomorrow I’ll be Twenty Eight.

swollen glands

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a gentle man approached me at a grocery store, glazed & internalized I was, when he tapped me on the shoulder. No one taps folks on the shoulder anymore. I swore to myself about decision making with bad timing & turned to face him. him was a warm looking grey beard with frosty kindness. Intrigue mostly, that’s how it spats in lines & mundanes. my patches over pocket breast side caught his eye & he rolled out a commentary about their likeness to the acid patches of the 60s. “cool, man, that’s cool” filled my mouth & tumbled out. then he showed me where to locate the yin chao aisle 4
  

Check out

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No one to play with 

Dance in every mirror 

Ripened topography 

Forced to relearn everyday 

Resonating smells 

Despite the outcome 

I’m traveling now

Fantasizing on permission 

To slow down 

help me stay grounded

help you stay above water 

Allow ourselves to breathe

Calm down