Life is an experiment with no control.

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I dropped to my knees 

Cold covered in ash

Paint wet 

Fire roaring 

Time lost meaning

I forgot it had changed

I forgot it had ever been different 

Feirce wild eyed freedom 

Every blade of praire grass

Stood at attention 

Charged smoky air 

Dirty & burned 

My face hurt

Strong & steady 

She soothed my worries

Turning my hands in his

I am slipping between those fingers 

Distance from knowing 

Saddens me the most 

Beautifully grotesque 

Undeniably important

Inventions of convenient passion

Open gateways

To romantic perspective 

Intimidate carelessness 

There is no control 

Let go 





Missouri Lounge 

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I ain’t got nothing but you

Keep turning and turning 

She spun a web

Convincing myself

Tonight is a full moon

Always a moment too late

That’s why I should sing the blues

It’s all about the timing it’s all about the tact it’s all about the timing 

When we parted ways

She stood there 

She stood there, she was 

Drunk

She was so cute 

We split her in two 

And

She stood

She didn’t know 

Split

Back to the car 

Nothing but you

My SeaStar

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You gotta let things with wings

Go fly

I love these boots 

But they’re still shoes

Great minds think alike baby

Yesterday I tried 

to whipe off these freckles

‘Cause I thought it was dirt

We thought eachother 

Was attractive 

BUST IT

Eat your veggies 

Or

You’ll become one

Which came first

The muffin 

Or the pan

Wild

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Time passed
after much debate
the old knowing
quiet sacred ones
welcoming
a former daughter
into their arms
Being
in their embrace
Is likened to returning
to an eternal home

My eyes seem to open wider

In this room

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In this room. This new room. This old room new to me. A new room, on a new day, on the first new day of the new year. Hardly a thing in it but my two little kats. I’m finding I am continuously happy with the shifts being made. A magical thyme being made into an incredible bloom. This is beauty. I feel raw, edgy, while still soft & calm.
What an extraordinary chapter.
This life only continues to amaze me.

Last year

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Last New Year’s Eve,
I spent it all alone.

I’ve been going through a divorce since spring of 2013 when my partner & I finally decided to end our relationship. The heartbreak & hurt is difficult to explain but it’s been the hardest & most painful experience I’ve ever been through.
While I was still in love, he had not been for some time, it was already over before it was over. While reading this list one must take into account the level of disfunction I was existing within. I was so devastated, I often found myself debilitated & incapable of simple tasks. Grief is a seriously powerful experience.

While odd & vaguely sad at first to be spending my Christmas & New Year’s Eve so far away from the ones I love & alone, I found many ways to enjoy my own company. In fact it’s terribly important now, I must be alone each day at least a short while.

Here is the list I wrote last year.

“Fifty things I want to do differently, to be different, goals to achieve, changes to make, things to work towards, paradigm shifts to make, shifts to take part of, moments to look forward to, life to live and items to refer to while reflecting on what I want for the next year. 2014 let’s do it.”

1. WATCH LESS TV/MOVIES ETC.
2. Waste less time. Time is all you are rich in, use it and enjoy your time I’m this earth.
3. Eat better. More often, less binging.
4. Get up everyday with intention.
5. Quit punishing yourself.
6. Take more consistent care if your skin.
7. Get rid of some clothes. Don’t replace them.
8. Brush teeth everyday. EVERYDAY.
9. Leave your hair alone. Stop Worrying.
10. If you’re feeling anxious, just relax & allow yourself to feel anxious without worry.
11. Exercise. Everyday. In some way.
12. Work on your spelling & grammar.
13. Draw up plans for Tiny House.
14. Get serious about Tiny house building research.
15. Shop around for trailers for house.
16. READ MORE! READ A LOT!
17. Write more often.
18. Illustrate poems & written pieces. Graphic Novel?
19. Make something everyday. Anything. Everyday.
20. If there is sun, sit in it. Even for just a few minutes.
21. Wrote letters often, even if they probably won’t write back. Do it for your connection needs.
22. Travel A LOT, but not at the cost of your well being.
23. Travel after Flight benefits are gone.
*my ex worked for an airline
24. Love openly and fiercely.
25. If you’re feeling lost, empty and useless MAKE ART even if there’s no idea first. Scribble, doodle, make.
26. Smoke less pot. Seriously, I know it’s wonderful and mood stabilizing and helpful but cut down a bit.
27. Get at least two professional tattoos that excite you.
28. Don’t spend energy on anyone who doesn’t respect you.
29. MAKE MUSIC. I don’t care how. Just do it.
30. Remember that you are loved and cared about even if you haven’t been reminded in a while.
31. Decide that you are no longer lazy and then stop being lazy. It’s that easy.
32. Save the tobacco for rare moments and sacred times. That’s what it’s for.
33. STOP doubting yourself. Insecurity and vulnerability is okay but you are awesome. Don’t doubt it.
34. Stop and appreciate the little things. Beautiful moments.
35. LOVE YOURSELF. It’s okay (more the okay) to be -in love- with yourself.
36. Go slowly, but start making creatures and start making short, stop motion videos.
37. Break through your own limiting barriers and preconceived notions about yourself.
38. Learn & attempt to use new words. Ex. Metanoia
39. Don’t put things off. Especially inevitable things like dishes/cleaning etc, but also projects, confrontation & communication.
40. Journal more. I know there’s a lot going on right now and it can be difficult to get it all clear and straight, so write bits & pieces but make sure and write.
41. Be more open to experiences and opportunities.
42. Learn to meditate. Even if it’s simple, come up with a method of meditation to make processing and learning and thinking clearer. Also, another application: Relax.
43. Research eye health. Do eye exercises. Take very good care of your peepers.
44. Dance more often! As often as possible. Without worry. Just dance.
45. Trust your guts and intuition more. If not more, closer.
46. Embrace the weird and unusual. Let the magic come, create it and allow it.
47. Stop thinking about dying. Or not living. Or however clever of a thing you want to call it. Let it go. You love life & living and the darkness and desperation is all a part of that. Enjoy the ocean, enjoy the fears, enjoy the moments because it will definitely end. Be, live and enjoy.
48. Have an affair. Don’t force it but have a fling, love and be loved and letitend.
49. Call people. Don’t text/email/Facebook. Call people even if they never answer or respond.
50. Put yourself to sleep. Don’t wait until you’re exhausted or distract yourself until you fall asleep. Just go to sleep.

LOVE YOURSELF
BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS

With effort & patience
I’m finding that things are only getting better.
Never stop trying.
Never stop wanting & dreaming.

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